[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
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greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Bros before Ohioes
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!