Free him
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Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”