I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
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If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.