Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
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Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Trying
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is