Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
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Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria