“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
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You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Breaking news:
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.