Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
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lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
A Match(.com), but for socks.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you