“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
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Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more