I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
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For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
liiiiiiiiike
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.