ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
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Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*