Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
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I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
*puts cutlery down*
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor