I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
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*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?