Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
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You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food