Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
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The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.