Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
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Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.