How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
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Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
welp
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.