7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
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I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
When you’re Kinky but poor
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.