I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
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*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers