Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
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Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
“TGIM!” – My liver
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.