“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
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Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
What’s this sorcery? 😂
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow