Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
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I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
sigh