skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
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I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
“I wouldn’t.”
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
San Francisco has too many rules
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.