LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
knights of the ikea table
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or