Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
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The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.