People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
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There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Pickled cat.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.