The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”