A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
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Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
the council will decide your fate
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.