me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
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I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.