“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
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me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent