Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
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I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
lol
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
the short answer to this question
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*