If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
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*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
thanksgiving in nutshell
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.