[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
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The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
We need more people like this.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes