ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
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Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
“our sushi is very fresh”
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank