The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
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If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.