why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
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Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?