[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
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me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.