Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
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a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what