Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
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A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
You better watch out
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
God, I love Scotland
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.