Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
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[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
These are my roll models.
The best shot in the history of golf
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.