[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
You Might Also Like
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
who wore it better?
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*