Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
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Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
The options really are this bad
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
yeet