“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
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My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood