I just love that new Pope smell.
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I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.