Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
You Might Also Like
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
this… may be the greatest story ever told