What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
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I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*