I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
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The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
absolutely not
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
My life in a nutshell
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I feel this so hard
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?