Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
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Meat Cute
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Now this is how you LinkedIn
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times