Squirrels before girls.
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Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
My dress code is business-casualty.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up