A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago