thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
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*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
good for her
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.